What Parents Can Do
(Hints to Help the Helper...)

By Janice Robinson,
Assistant Director Residence Life
University of British Columbia

Parents frequently ask, "What can I do to support my daughter or son?" or "What things should we be prepared for?"

The following suggestions may help you help your student with their transition to college:

• Parents can be supportive and trusting. Encourage independence, but provide a safety net.
  
• Accept that you won't know every detail of your student's life. (You may not have known it before, and now you may know it even less. Or you might have been very close before and you may sense a change, as your student grows more autonomous.)
  
• Understand that your student may have difficulties returning home on holidays after experiencing life on his or her own. For the last several months they've been accustomed to having to be concerned about only their own daily routine - not the family's, and they've lived without the former house rules that may have been in existence. Sometimes they also come home with new expectations for family members. It's a transition time for everyone.
  
• It is important to write letters or use e-mail if you have it. (But, don't hang over the mailbox waiting for one in return.) Your student may be curious about what you are up to and may expect to know more about what you are doing but may be less inclined to let you know what they are doing.
  
• Show concern about their lives and understand their struggles. Ask questions, but try not to invade their privacy. Often your student will let you know what is happening, but at their own pace and timing.
  
• Be knowledgeable about campus resources. Ask your student to let you read the plethora of materials that come to them in the mail as they're preparing to begin college. Check out the Academic Year Schedule often included in the beginning pages of the institution's academic calendar, so you're aware of significant times of the year. If they're living on-campus, read the residence contract and other materials enclosed with their room assignment. You'll find a wealth of information about campus and residence resources, services, and staff!
  
• Be prepared for "the phone call". Often it comes just after midterms or near the end of first term, when work is piling up, marks aren't what they'd hoped, they're feeling overwhelmed and their coping skills begin to fail. They're upset and chances are they're going to call you. It's important that you don't panic; remember that this is normal, and as much as you'd like to alleviate their stress, you cannot (and should not) "fix this" for them. They will rely on you to be calm, and reassure them of their ability to successfully work through the challenge(s). Encourage them to seek help from campus resources.
  
• Remember your student has joined the ranks of the "best of the best" at their university, and the academic expectations are rigorous. It is normal for students with high-school marks in the 80's and 90's to see them drop to the 60's and 70's. This may come as a shock to both you and your student, given that they were always the best in their high school. Your student is experiencing a difficult life-transition from high school to university, both in and out of the classroom. It is typical for marks to go down in the first year, so don't let your student get super-depressed, encourage them to get help. Students who seek a little assistance typically get back on track and do fine.
  
• Keep a list of campus resources and contact numbers stuck on the fridge, so you can refer your student to individuals or departments on-campus that can assist them. If you think that a weekend visit would benefit them (or you), check out the on-campus, or nearest off-campus, hotel accommodation.
  
• Send food and care packages, a sure sign of support and concern. (You've no idea how excited students get when these arrive.) Or ask them what their favorite pizza place is, and surprise them by sending them take-out pizza one night!
  
• Stock up on favorite foods when they come home for the holidays and be sure to have plenty of laundry detergent on hand for all that dirty wash.
  
• Even though it might be a great life being a student, be careful about rhapsodizing about college as the best years of one's life. For a student who may be struggling with exams, papers and worries about a career, this can be of little comfort and sometimes downright discouraging.

About the Author

Janice Robinson is currently the Assistant Director Residence Life at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, B.C., Canada. She has managed university residences for over 18 years in public and private universities in both the US and Canada. She earned her BA degree from John Wesley College, Michigan, and Master of Science in Education degree from the University of Wisconsin - Platteville. (Yes, she is a Canadian in case you're wondering. Grew up in Ontario but migrated to B.C.) She is an active member of the Association of College and University Housing Officers - International (ACUHO-I).

Many thanks to... Centre for New Students at University of Western Ontario; Tamsen Tillson, Canadian Living; Virginia Galt, The Globe & Mail; Janet Teasdale, University of British Columbia's First Year Coordinator, and the Residence Life Managers at UBC.